My mom has been sending me pics from my childhood & youth over the past many days. As I looked at myself in picture after picture, I wondered why and how I had such terribly poor body image back then! Not surprisingly though, I was often overcome with fresh waves of discomfort – largely sadness, at how I spent so many years not truly loving the one person I had to love fully & wholly – ME! Instead , I bought into the ideas of perfection from everyone else, what I should like, how I should dress, what to show & what not to & just ended up feeling not good enough – for anyone or for myself!
When I returned home from University, I had lost a lot of weight. A male friend who knew me from pre-Uni days, admiringly & suggestively objectified me by saying, “I wouldn’t mind coming over to the pool to see you swim now! It would be worth a sight!” I brushed off the sexist remark as a joke (Hah! I know! I actually brushed it off!)… but what he didn’t know was that I wore a one piece swimsuit with extended legs to cover the scald scar on my thigh! What he also wouldn’t know was that it would take me forever to get into the pool and I would wait forever more on the sunbeds until the crowd cleared so I could quickly get into the pool before anyone ‘saw’ me. I’m not kidding!
I think of it now & I hurt for that young woman who had such a terrible time growing into herself and was able to dress up & come across as someone who really had it sorted! I am still just so amazed at how that happened! Best part was how absolutely unaware she was at the time of some really hot gym instructors & members chatting her up while she waited to get into the pool because all she could think of was, “When will they leave?” [I speak more about this in another blog coming up next week.]
A year later, my boyfriend at the time suggested that I needed to lose weight before he took me to meet his family. As I look back, that relationship, which lasted for a quite a long while, and was one of my most significant relationships, was toxic af! It had elements of control, of gaslighting & withdrawal… and everything else that would have red flags about what we know today to be balanced & healthy relationships. Yet, to everyone around, we were the ideal couple… who checked all the boxes! I hid my weight from him. He once asked me to stand on the weighing scale and I refused, heart pounding…. guess how that date ended! Another time, I was hungry and he refused to buy me a sandwich.. lol.. It is funny now, to think that I, Luvena, this Luvena, went through that. But I did.. I think I should title this post “FFS”
Anyway, while admiring attention still came easily by, the background chatter always muttered things like, “You’re not good enough!”, “Thunder thighs”, “Does that cute bra come in a larger size, I wonder?”, “Argh! These jeans don’t fit!” And… the admiration just didn’t register! I couldn’t, wouldn’t & didn’t see myself as anything but lacking!
And now, in 2020, I look back and wonder what I was thinking back then? Why?? Why did I ever have to believe in the crap that I was told about my body? To eventually believe it so much that I ended up being all those things AND loving myself.
Am I done with the work already? Heck no! I still have a few bad days – but mostly, somewhere along the way, over the years, the self loathing had dropped. A few months ago at a YTT graduation ceremony a student told me that I looked beautiful. Since I was wearing a sari, I turned around & raised a surprised & amused eyebrow at Shobhit, my dear friend & fellow yoga teacher and said, “Oh! So this limited effort qualifies for me being beautiful!”
He shrugged & straightfacedly replied, “Of course you’re beautiful!” I was taken aback. He said it less like a compliment more like a fact – our friendship is unique: blunt enough to say it like it is, and compassionate enough to keep it safe, real & caring. Not to mention, we laugh a lot & have great Facebook Lives, but…… he went on to tell me 3 things, according to him, that made a woman beautiful in his eyes:
- Resilience (to experience pregnancy and menstruation)
- Devotion (motherhood and other roles)
- Emotional Intelligence (in all areas of life)
Which is interesting because another male friend & I had a deeply philosophical conversation once – which touched upon our sense of self & confidence – even when we are unaware of it. He said, “A woman who is totally unaware of her attractiveness and yet exudes it with complete confidence alongside holding an intelligent conversation is beautiful and sexy!”
My friend, Jo-Ann, told me this yesterday: “This applies to both sexes and/or all genders. I find women equally sexy when they can converse. I’m not interested in a romantic way but definitely think a sexy woman is one whose mastered the art of good convo. I think it makes any human so attractive.
It gives me pause to think what I feel about how anyone defines beauty. It isn’t about the beauty of anything after all! Resilience, yes, strength perhaps, eventually, the intelligence to have depth of conversation & thought. It is a primal attraction to grounded strength with which we exude every bit of ourselves – all our bodies in unison.
But also makes me doubly certain why we need to be more vocal in our appreciation and acknowledgement of body image issues and the fact that body positivity needs to be reinforced in our children & youth. Fatphobia is real and its talons dig deep and pierce the heart.
The ability to truly own and love and accept ourselves fully, unapologetically and unabashedly is something we don’t need permission for from anyone but ourselves.
May we give ourselves to be whole, loved, loveable, gloriously sexual, generously available to ourselves in every shape, size and limitation and still be totally true to ourselves – and do so with ease, grace & comfort – because the work isn’t easy.
The unlearning is not easy….but it is wholesome & nurturing & has all the ‘Oh So Good’ feels!!!!
And also because, well, what other way is better?